Carter was so funny today--she made the whole class laugh

How do your kids tell you about their day? Unless you are training them for social awkwardness, they probably talk about themselves in the first person and their friends in the third person. But a host of research about the way people tell stories about themselves shows that we might want to teach our children to tell stories on themselves as if they are charaters in a play.

Why? Well, for starters, autobiographical storytelling is an important part of resiliancy, a way to cope when things don't go so well. And research shows that 3rd person storytelling allows a shift in perspective that gives the teller some distance -- enabling more learning and less re-lived emotional upset. The storyteller's brain is sufficiently freed up from protecting itself from painful thoughts and emotions so that she can contemplate the meaning of the day's events.

"Seeing oneself as acting in a movie or a play is not merely fantasy or indulgence; it is fundamental to how people work out who it is they are, and may become," reports Benedict Carey in the New York Times. "The way people replay and recast memories, day by day, deepens and reshapes their larger life story. And as it evolves, that larger story in turn colors the interpretation of the scenes."

The real advantage to 3rd person storytelling for children, it seems to me, is in its power to help children shape their lives in positive ways. Both personal narrative and visualization are two of the psyche's most powerful tools for creating success and happiness. Researchers have found strong correlations between core themes in the stories people tell and, in essence, how happy they are. For example, people with "mood problems" (e.g., they are angry a lot) tell stories which tend to close on a dark note, even if the story itself is a positive one: "My wedding was perfect until the best man barfed on the dance floor." But generous, civic minded people -- what I'd like my kids to grow up to be -- tell stories about their lives that are just the reverse. They see how they were singled out, lucky, protected, despite sometimes difficult circumstances: "I nearly flunked sixth grade but got assigned to an inspirational school counselor and made honor roll in seventh."

Storytelling style is probably in large part habitual, and so we can teach our children how to tell particular types of stories about their lives. So tonight at dinner I'm going to introduce a new game: real-life storytelling. I suspect my dramatic children will be thrilled with the opportunity to tell tales of the playground as if it were fodder for the movies. And using the 3rd person may allow my child who can offen get stuck blaming others for negative events the distance she needs to see classroom tiffs with the clarity she needs to avoid them in the future. With any luck, we'll be able to create a habit in our children of seeing their life-stories as a series of challenges they rose to, obstacles they overcame with joy, and positive events they created.

Research this post draws on:
Also related: visualization
Read the NY Times article: